Meditation on Hidden Treasures

My blog is called “Discovering Hidden Treasures,” a title taken from Matthew 13 where a man discovers the treasure in the field and sells everything he has to buy the field. He discovered a hidden treasure. One thing I want to do in my life is discover all the “treasures” God has for me, even when they emerge in the most unsuspecting and difficult places.

That is exactly what I have been trying to do this year. It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. It has been my hardest year of teaching, not because the teaching or the classroom itself has been difficult, but because of other things in my life. There’s more than I can get into here, but, suffice it to say, there have been many times this year that I have been overwhelmed by everything going on.

And yet, in the midst of all these trials and overwhelming circumstances, I want to find the hidden treasures. I want to find the little jewels hidden throughout each day and praise God for them. In order to find some of these treasures, I’ve had to give up a lot. I would not have found some if it had not been for all the difficulties I have encountered this year. It hasn’t been easy. Yet, looking back, I’m not sure if I would give up those difficulties. The hidden treasures I’ve discovered are too valuable.

I can’t help but thinking that the farmer from Matthew had to feel the same way. In order to get the treasure, he had to sell everything. That couldn’t have been easy. He gave up all comfort and security for the treasure—house, clothes, livestock, land, food, etc. He probably also gave up popularity and acceptance. I’m sure people thought he was crazy, including his family. They may have wanted nothing to do with him. But he gave it all up anyway, knowing that what he had discovered in the field was more valuable than all that other stuff.

As Christians, God calls us to do this very same thing in our own lives. The greatest treasure we could ever imagine is waiting for us (the kingdom of God), but in order to get it, we have to give up everything: comfort, security, friends, family, homes, health, etc. But once we get it, the joy we experience is beyond compare and makes all of our sacrifices so worth it.

That’s exactly how I want to live my life. I want to look for the hidden treasures buried not only in everyday things but also in trials and tribulations. It’s not an easy process; some days I struggle to find any. But other days are filled with so many hidden blessings that I just sit back and marvel. But regardless of how easy they are to find, each day is filled with many hidden treasures, all a result of the goodness of God. Now, I can’t sit here and tell you that, at any given moment, these treasures outweigh the difficult circumstances I am facing or the troubles I am experiencing. However, I can tell you that, looking back over this whole year, God’s hidden treasures and blessings do outweigh the difficulties (even if it didn’t feel like it at the time).

My emotions sometimes still get the better of me, and I struggle to find the joy in these treasures when I feel weight of everything I have given up for them. As a matter of fact, I’m struggling with it today and had to make a list of all the possible good things that could come from a difficult and trying circumstance. But, after praying about it and making that list, I am finding some hidden treasures and rediscovering the joy that is found in Christ. I can rest securely in my Savior’s arms knowing that He will be with me and carry me through whatever I am facing.

Because this year has been so tough, my roommate Kari and I came up with a way to document the hidden blessings in each day, even on the days that seemed the hardest and the darkest. Every night before we went to bed, we would write down any praises we had from the day, no matter how big or how small. I can’t even tell you how many times we have been thankful for simple things like a yummy dinner or Kari’s dog Kit. But these praises tell a story: the story of God’s faithfulness to us in the midst of overwhelming and difficult circumstances. Some days I struggled to come up with more than one or two things I am thankful for that day. Some days we would write things that we are thankful for, like God’s goodness, even if we didn’t “feel” them that day. Some days we were done in what felt like mere seconds because it had been a “good” day. But no matter how big or how small, how easy or difficult, those praises represent hidden treasures we discovered that day.

We wrote all of the hidden treasures on multi-colored shapes cut out from the Ellison machine at school, one shape per day (can you tell we are teachers?). And we weren’t done for the day until the shape was filled. We would then hang these shapes up around my bedroom (where I’ve spent a lot of time this year resting my arms). The walls are now literally a testimony to God’s goodness and faithfulness. Sometimes I just read some of the shapes that are on my walls and rejoice at how much God has done. He has always provided just what we need, and frequently more. Reading the praises once again kindles the joy of discovering hidden treasures.

So, I guess all of this to say, though this has been the hardest year of teaching I’ve ever had, perhaps the hardest year of my whole life so far, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I don’t always feel that way (as Kari could tell you) and sometimes just want to give up, but I know that God has a purpose for everything I have gone through this year and that He will use it all for His good and His glory. What else could I ask for?

The Continuing Adventures of Jessica's Arms (Surgery and Recovery Edition)

It has now officially been over six months since I last posted to this blog. Yikes! That's not the usual time frame I want between posts, and it really isn't ideal given what the last several posts were about. I can offer all sorts of explanations for the delinquency of my posts: my arm was hurting too much, it was the end of the semester, I had just had surgery and was in no condition to post, the play was finishing up and I had no time, the play was done but now I was playing catch up, etc. The list could go on and on. And, truthfully, I do have some good excuses for why it has been more than six months since I last posted. A lot has been going on in the past six months, including with my arms, and I really didn't know how to start a blog post that would explain everything. And then there's the whole issue of it being easier to keep putting things off once you've already put them off for so long. However, I promised updates on my arms, and I am here, at last, to give you an update. I think I'll save the other stuff for future posts (which will hopefully come sooner rather than later).

When we last left off in adventures of my arms, it was the beginning of November and surgery had just been scheduled for the end of December (the 30th to be exact). Surgery would be at Seoul National University Hospital-Bundang (about an hour north of Pyeongtaek), and it would be cubital tunnel release surgery on my right arm. The doctor would move the nerve to give it more space to pass through my elbow; he was also going to shave part of the medial epicondyle (part of the humerus) in order to give the nerve more room to move. I only had six weeks until surgery, and I was looking forward to those six weeks being up. Let's just say that feeling did not change throughout the rest of November and December; if anything, it became stronger. November and December were really difficult months for me. The pain got worse, and I was able to do less and less. Surgery was going to be a relief. I could not wait for the day of surgery to come.

And come it did. The morning of December 30th dawned bright and clear, and we left early (for Korea) to head to the hospital. My roommate Kari and my mom were with me. My family had come to visit for Christmas, and my mom, Abby, and Kara were still in country. We left Abby and Kara at home, as they didn't find the idea of spending the whole day at the hospital thrilling. They were going to have their own adventure instead. I was very happy, however, that my mom would be with me. She was flying back the next day, unfortunately, but she could still be with me in the hospital and take care of me the first day and half after surgery.

Anyway, we got to the hospital around 8 a.m. and found the outpatient surgery center. After changing into the hospital clothes (thankfully Korea does pants and tops instead of gowns), I was taken to the pre-surgery patient waiting room (patients only, no family). I had to lay down on a hospital bed until it was time to go into surgery. The only thing I could do was stare at the ceiling, which I did for close to an hour and a half before it was my turn. Yuck! Then, they wheeled me over to the operating rooms, a trip that took us back through the surgery center lobby and out and down into the main hallway. Once in the operating area, I had to wait a little bit longer and go through the last checks before surgery (verifying which arm, etc.). Thankfully, we had picked up my mom and Kari on our way through the waiting room, so I didn't have to be by myself. However, both of them could only be with me for the trip through the hallway. Once we got to the operating center, they asked if anyone spoke Korean. Because my mom speaks none but Kari speaks some, they would only let Kari come back with me. She had to put on scrubs to do so, but it was nice to have someone to talk to for a change. Fortunately I didn't have wait as long this time, and, before I knew it, they were administering the anesthetic and wheeling me off for surgery.

After the surgery itself was over, I woke up in the recovery room with my arm wrapped up and bandaged almost to my shoulder, groggy and hurting. While this is to be expected after surgery, the cultural differences of being in a hospital in a foreign country, surrounded by people speaking Korean, make for a harder post-surgery coming-to. My brain had to immediately switch back to the cultural coding and decoding necessary to figure out an unfamiliar part of a different culture. I had never had surgery before in Korea or at a Korean hospital, so the whole experience was one of watching, observing, and waiting to be told what to do (thankfully Korea is very good about telling the foreigners what to do instead of simply expecting them to know it already). While it is something I do on a daily basis, it certainly complicated the post-surgery recovery process.

Before I could be moved to the regular recovery area, I first had to go for x-rays on my right arm. However, the operating rooms and surgery center were on the third floor of the hospital, and the x-ray machines were on the first floor. So, they had to wheel me out of the surgery area (where Kari and my mom joined me), down the hall, into an elevator to the first floor, and through the hall to radiology, where they proceeded to twist my arm in several different ways to get the views they needed. Boy did it hurt! The x-rays were quite possibly the most painful part of the day as they twisted my just-out-of-surgery arm in ways that I don't think it should have been bent or twisted in the brace. It hurt so badly that tears were welling up in my eyes.

Eventually the x-rays were over, and it was back down the hall, up the elevator, and through the hall, this time to the main recovery area. I had to rest there for a couple hours before leaving. After the acrobatics for the x-ray, plus normal post-op pain, I needed some pain meds, which they were eventually able to give me. I was also quite thirsty by this time, as it was now mid-afternoon and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since before bed the night before. However, I was told that I couldn't have anything to drink (even water) for several more hours, even though my mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

After waiting in recovery for more than an hour, they delivered my post-op prescriptions to me and told me that I could go home. And so home I went, sitting in the backseat with my arms propped up on pillows, praying that the ride home would go by quickly and smoothly. The hour-long car ride felt much longer with all the pain, but we eventually made it home, where I crashed for the rest of the day.

My recovery proceeded pretty normally from there. The first few weeks were mainly spent recovering from the effects of surgery without much indication as to how successful the surgery had been. Since surgery was during Christmas break, I had about two weeks off before I had to return to school. The first weeks back were hard (and painful). However, things did start to turn around at the end of January. I noticed a drop off in the pain and an increase in what I was able to do. I was getting a little bit better day by day, week by week, a pattern that has continued ever since. I had a doctor's appointment in March, two months after surgery, and I was recovering as I should be. The doctor was pleased with my recovery and not surprised by the pain I was still experiencing. In fact, he even made a little joke out of it at one point. I had told him that I was having some bone pain in my elbow, and he basically said, "Well, duh, I cut off part of your bone," a little "humerus" reassurance that everything was okay (yes, pun fully intended).

My arms have only gotten better since then. About the last week of April, I woke up one morning feeling like something "switched" in my right arm. I had a lot less pain and could do a lot more. Something felt different. It was a huge leap forward in my healing, especially since I felt like I had stagnated the previous few weeks. I could now go longer without resting and my arm wouldn't really hurt. This continued to improve to the point where, by mid-May, I could go several hours without resting. I could also do more work (defined as anything that required me to use my arm), and I needed less rest between work times. My healing took another giant step forward last week as I was now able to go many hours without rest and I could work throughout that time (not for hours straight, but with simply taking breaks rather than resting my arms on pillows). I am confident that I am healing as I should be and will be completely healed (or practically so) at the end of six months as my doctor said. As would be expected, my left arm has been healing far faster than my right arm, since it was only hurting out of compensation for the right one. It hasn't seriously bothered me since probably March and needs far less rest than my right arm even now.

I have one last follow up appointment with my doctor in June before I head back to the States for the summer. As of right now, I only have positive news to tell him. My arm continues to get better and better, and I can do more and more things. I am looking forward to next school year when I should be able to do all the "normal" things without too much trouble. For now, though, I'll keep doing things in spurts with some rest in between so that I don't tax my arms too much. I want to do things but also be smart about them so that the healing also continues. I am so thankful that things are so much better now. The adventure is almost over. I can only attribute that healing to God, especially the few times my healing has "jumped" forward. All I can do is praise Him and thank Him for all He has done and express my gratitude to all of you who have been praying for me this year. I know that your prayers have helped my healing and encouraged me and given me the strength to get through this year. It has been a long, difficult, and painful year, and I could not have gotten through it without God. I can only pray that God has been glorified through all of this.